And if I ask you to name all the things you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?
This is what someone asked me the other day and as soon as I heard this harmless question I started to panic. Sweat. You know that feeling you have on a hot summer day when you go inside and the air conditioning is too intense… It’s that tingling that freezes your spine.I couldn’t answer! I ran away…
It has been a while since I didn’t see the ocean even if I live fifteen minutes away. I took all the answers I could possibly give to this person and I hid on the dark beach. It’s so cold I can barely feel my feet. Of course, I am barefoot walking. Today a girl asked me if my shoes are Sam Edelman. Yesterday a guy in the elevator asked me if I have a blog. Do you think I would ever destroy the only things that people still put price on? Shoes, clothes, the way you look, the car you’re driving, how much money you have in your bank account… It’s all about that!
Could this sharp wind answer my question? Could this mad ocean tell me when did I stop loving myself? I need to figure out why I did all the things I have done. I have to find out why I don’t love myself anymore. Why I don’t appreciate myself the way I used to. I don’t want you to think it’s vanity, it isn’t. I can’t see me and I need to be able to do that. I need to find out what I’m like and what I want. I have to be comfortable in my own skin before I can be anybody else.
Sometimes the noise of life can be just too much. Sometimes people come into our life to show us what is right and what is wrong. To make us feel better for a little while or to just be someone you walk with at night and spill your life to. Other times we get hurt by people who occupy a big part of our heart, by those for who we have put ourselves second. Isn’t it funny how the people that hurt us the most are the ones that swore they never would? One thing is clear: none of us is getting out of here alive, so if I refuse to love myself now then when? And how the hell I’m gonna love somebody else?
I softly whisper to my whole body – I want to be your friend again! Please stop treating yourself like an after thought… Heal yourself, find yourself, know yourself. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.
I feel like jumping in the ocean but I am too poor to afford being sick in the States. I just miss the person I used to be and I am hoping this iced water would bring back the old me. I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.
There is no time for anything else…